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Free Bonanza
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FREE Jokes and Fun Stuff!
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"Members Only" - New FREE Stuff!
For great Jokes Ezines check out these two sites, PostMasterDirect and Netizines. If you can't find what you are looking for FREE at these two sites, you won't find it anywhere!
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Today in the stock market |
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Today in the stock market:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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Help me. |
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Girls, girls, girls |
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One Friday morning,
a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.
She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to
correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations!" Said the teacher, "You may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out,
"John F.Kennedy".
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities,
Little Johnny said,"I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment,
the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said,
"Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
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What's your excuse? |
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What's your excuse?
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair,
and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing blue light behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The policeman came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th.
I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving
that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman.
I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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Jokes4U supply a new joke each day to AllForFree.Co.UK |
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Brains before Brawn |
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Brains before Brawn
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over
to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Get in."
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What a life! |
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I'm mechanically inclined, I can screw anything up
We spend the first six years teaching our children to walk and talk,
and the next fifteen years telling them to shut up and sit down.
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She who must be obeyed |
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret
of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom
on the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'
We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me
and quietly said 'That's once.'"
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Terrible Puns! |
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a doctor who was the most respected in town.
He wanted more time with his family,
so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load.
He was very successful.
No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone
and not the real doctor.
After a while, the clone became vulgar and
he would tell his patients dirty jokes.
The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill
the clone to save his name.
He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off.
The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor
for making an OBSCENE CLONE FALL.
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Dieting Tips |
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Christmas Holiday Dieting Tips
If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
When eating with someone else,
calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories.
This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy,
Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage
causes calorie leakage.
If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet
and get walked off.
Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
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Jokes4U supply a new joke each day to AllForFree.Co.UK |
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Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler |
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Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear
and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
I found that the subsequent food poisoning
enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath?
Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto!
The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey.
The following morning you can create the effects of hangover
by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid
and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
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Answering Machine Messages |
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Answering Machine Messages
Please feel free to try these
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine
this is a telepathic thought recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling
and a number where I can reach you,
and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar,
then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now
and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now because
we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right
.......real slow.........So leave a message,
and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
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Will you play with me? |
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other
on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game
is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and,
figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the
net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker,
to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed,
wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
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Jokes4U supply a new joke each day to AllForFree.Co.UK |
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What did you say? |
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The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?"
demands the gangster.
The accountant is silent.
"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant
about the money, and the message is relayed back
that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to
the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer,
"Ask him again where my money is!"
"Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back.
"The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies,
"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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Don't drink and drive |
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A man is going down the road, and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman.
When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding.
The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding.
While the highway patrolman is standing there,
he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat.
He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they are for his act,
and he is a juggler.
The partolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it.
So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives.
At the same time, 2 men are driving by and witness the two
on the side of the road.
One of the men looks to the other man and says,
'Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking,
those sobriety tests these days are rough!'
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FOOD (or Beer) FOR THOUGHT |
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FOOD (or Beer) FOR THOUGHT
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo
and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine.
This is why you always feel smarter after a few beers!
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Out of the mouths of children |
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One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair
sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied
"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,
one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked,
"Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
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Quotes of the Day |
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Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine.
They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind
and then turn full-bodied with age
until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
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Work jokes from Jokes4U |
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Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend my middle finger !
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Halloween Fun |
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
She got a headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
Being a devoted husband he protested,
but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour,
awakened without pain; and decided to go to the party after all.
In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing,
she thought she'd have some fun by watching her
husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could,
getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there.
His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself,
he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time
to this new babe who had just arrived.
She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
and so off they went!
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home,
put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in.
She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing.
You know, I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,
so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to,
sure had a real good time!"
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Beer Prayer |
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Beer Prayer
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Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
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